Although Serenity April was overall calming, these last few days were a little dicey. I had some flickers of irritation. I even had trouble finding stillness at yoga today. My mind wanted to race back to an unpleasant exchange earlier in the day. I like to blame the negative weather but the responsibility is the negativity that I let fester into being judgmental, impatient and unkind.
Last night, on my way to the airport to pick up some family, I had an epiphany moment. It was cold out. It was pouring rain. It was late. And I was tired. So, I tried to rationalize that it would be okay not to stop for gas. As the ultimate spin doctor, I tried to justify not stopping to fuel up. No matter how I looked at it, I came out looking like a bitch. Why would I leave the task to my 75 year old father? His two hour commute home was already going to get him home around 2 AM. Why did I even consider letting him do it cold and wet?
‘Because I’m a bitch’ is the easy answer. Because I can be self-absorbed is closer to the truth. Because I’m spoiled by my parents still at the age of 50 is also true. My dad wouldn’t have batted an eye or made one disparaging remark if the tank needed to be filled. It’s just the loving father he has always been. He takes care of it; sometimes at my mom’s suggestion and other times quietly on his own. And always, he does it without any expectation of gratitude or acknowledgment. I try to model my life after my parents and their kindness.
I filled the tank.
I do believe in the positivity generated by sun salutations. I had missed four days in a row. I was a hotbed of toxicity over little things: stupid comments by stupid people, bad decisions by good people, unfulfilled anticipation. All on me! I can’t control anyone’s behavior but mine. Daily sun salutations keep me in state of positivity. When I’m too busy, I skip. It is potential disastrous to the unsuspecting person on the other side of my unkindness. If I don’t find serenity in my life and build an aura of positivity, the negativity gets unleashed in unattractive ways.
Since I saw “Frozen”, I have used the Idina Menzel’s song Let it Go has my mantra for the middle set of sun salutations. It’s empowering. Although I don’t think it’s the greatest message for kids, there are adult truths.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past
Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
Well, the cold this winter did bother me but I’m letting it go. And I’m wearing more positive energy bracelets to keep my soul from spiraling in frozen fractals… because that can’t be a good thing. I will end April in serenity… dammit!