I’ve been on vacation for the last couple days. It was like one of those hedonistic cruises without the boat. We ate, drank and were very, very merry. It took all day yesterday laying on my couch for my booze soaked synapses to dry up. Last night circa 11pm, after 24 alcohol-free hours, my mind started composing this post. When I woke up, I knew exactly what I was to write.
Tips on being the perfect houseguest
*During the trip planning, suggest to the host assigning guests meal preparation. Since we all live in the restaurant-heavy city of Chicago, we are dining out snobs. Eating out in Fennville-Douglas-Saugatuck area is limited. Plus, staying at Steve and Mike’s palatial digs is about enjoying the house.
*Get the brunch assignment! Use your mom’s wacky 13-minute-do-it-yourself-ziplock- omelet. It will use up leftovers and amaze your friends.
*Offer to take the room no one wants: the kids‘ dorm. Steve and Mike have a cute third floor with four single beds and a powder room. It’s communal living. My hodge-podge of roommates were snorers but I don’t have trouble sleeping. And why stay in the bedroom when there is a pool?
*The pool *IS* the focal point of entertainment. The party starts as soon as everybody is up and slathered in suntan lotion. The banter will cackle with color metaphors. Words, not the norm in polite society, will be tossed around. The cringe-ability on c#nt will wane. The call-back joke on ‘still single…shocker‘ will escalate. Quick wits are essential. Booze helps.
*Alcohol! A houseguest should arrive with his/her liquor/wine of choice and be able to read the pool. It’s essential to always be aware of the consumption level of the crowd. Whenever someone goes to the store, slip them money and tell them to get more alcohol.
*Not technically a houseguest but invited to stop at the pool one afternoon? A bottle of vodka and lemonade is a perfect way to garner your stopover into a layover.
*If there is a planned activity like a tea dance (an afternoon party at a gay bar), go or don’t go just don’t make a fuss. If this is the hosts‘ jam, you need to be respectful.
*When you’ve been at the tea dance for a couple hours and still feel like the fifty year old chaperone, it’s perfectly acceptable to find the host and say, “I’m walking back.” When he says, “One more drink. We’ll leave in 10 minutes.” You can firmly restate your case, “I’m leaving now.” It’s alright to be unyielding just don’t be a b#tch.
*During the course of your stay, you should do the dishes at least twice: wash by hand, fill or empty dishwasher, do something to ease the host’s burden of entertaining. Although the place may look like the Downton Abbey vacation cottage, Carson and Mrs. Hughes aren’t there to take care of the place.
*Forget about reading or writing. The most concentration you will muster is flipping through an entertainment magazine.
*Don’t forget to say thank you over and over. It’s important to appreciate every moment of a luxurious weekend when in it.
Thank you to my extraordinary hosts Steve and Mike. And to my fellow houseguests: Scooby and Billy, Ellen, Smiley and Jason, James, Shawn, and Bill, what a riot!